Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
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All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.