There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
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A baby bear catches snowflakes.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
2022 be like
Not today, today.
Not today.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.