*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
You Might Also Like
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that