My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
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Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.