I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
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Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.