asking santa clause for nudes
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My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
You had me at “define legal”.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?