*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
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Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.