ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
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i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Life hack
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?