Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
You Might Also Like
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
I think my mom just blocked me
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Living the best life.. 😊