Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
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HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago