If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
You Might Also Like
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
I got bills
They’re multiplying
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”