We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
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I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
classic mixup
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.