My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
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I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”