friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
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ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.