Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
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me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
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90Me: Nailed it.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Education is vital
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
found my next D&D character name
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.