a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
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*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop