Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
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i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Taliband
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.