[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
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Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Well, that didn’t work.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
He wanted to make sure😂
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.