4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
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ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.