[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
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If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos