me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
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hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
stand with me against insufficient seating
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?