interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
You Might Also Like
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.