I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
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Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
You deplete me
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
same energy
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”