I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
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Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
just witnessed a drug deal
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”