Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
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[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
I’m calling the cops.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.