Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
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Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
PLOT TWIST:
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please