Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
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Can. I. Help. You.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about