#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
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[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth