Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
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*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
bad news gang
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.