for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
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Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
This is the best one I’ve seen
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
I just tested negative for patience.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.