Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
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YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
dam girl
i made a craigslist ad !
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.