when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
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Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
We take our 40% off sale seriously at