“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
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honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
I know this now 😂
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.