Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
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As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
British websites use biscuits.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME