I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
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I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
When can I start eating bats again.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Here’s a meme
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.