How long do you have to wait between naps?
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Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Poetry is my passion
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.