Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
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me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.