My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
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Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy