I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
You Might Also Like
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.