typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
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HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Had to try this trend 😊
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.