Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
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Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth