The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
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If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info