Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
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Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
felt that
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee