After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
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I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
All is fair in drunk and war.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.