Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
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Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.