Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
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Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Blew my mind.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore