Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
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Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.