I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
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CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
#parenting
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.