What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
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WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
#titanic
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!