*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
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I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
🖤✌🏽
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church